Elliott Rodgers

A decidedly politically correct 2010 version of the well known fairytale of Little Red Riding Hood.

There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered animals, birds and rare plants that could provide a possible cure for cancer if only someone studied them. Red Riding Hood lived with a care giver who she often referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t mean to show by the use of this term of familiarity that she would have thought any less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to suggest the equal value of nontraditional households and she was very sorry if this was some people would think. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and sparkling mineral water to her grandmother’s house.

“But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionised people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?” Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that she had called the union boss and got a special compassionate cicurmstances exemption form and paid them just the same as if they had really delivered it, so the union boss was very happy.

“But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?” Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

“But mother, then shouldn’t you my brother carry the basket, since he’s a male and therefore an oppressor. He should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?” Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for the rights of predators from other forests to come and hunt in our forest. “

“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently act to care for herself?” Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her grandmother wasn’t actually sick, incapacitated or health challenged in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “being normal”. Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get on board the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people had concluded the forest was a dark and dangerous place, Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural beliefs instilled by a society that saw the natural world as an exploitable resource and that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all peoples should be accepted as role models.

On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers and decided that Grandma should share in the beauty of nature and so picked all of them to show her. Suddenly she was startled to find herself standing before a Big Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own sexuality and chose to enter into a dialogue with the Big Wolf. She told him “I am taking my Grandmother some cruelty free, healthy, organic snacks in a gesture of goodwill from one woman to another.”

The Wolf said to her “You know sweet little girl it isn’t safe for such a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

Red Riding Hood replied “Your sexist comments are highly offensive, I will ignore them due to your traditional place as an outcast from society, which has obviously caused inappropiate levels of stress, so you developed an alternative but fully valid viewpoint. I would prefer to continue on my journey. “

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house. Thanks in part to his place outside society, The Big Wolf was free from sticking to Westernised thought patterns, The Big Wolf went a faster route to Grandma’s house. The Big Wolf rushed into the house and quickly made a meal out of Grandma, which was in his nature as a predator.

Unbothered by gender stereotypes, he slipped into Grandma’s night lacy nightgown, climbed under her old fashioned but perfectly acceptable bedclothes and waiting to see what happened next.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and called in a non confrontational manner “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise, nuturing, mature care supporter.”

The Big Wolf called softly “Come closer, Red Riding Hood so that I might see you. “

Red Riding Hood said “Grandma, what oversized but eyes you have!”

“You forget that I am optically challenged. “

The Big Wolf suddenly could not endure any more of Red Riding Hood’s blatant specism and in a reaction which was fully appropriate for his species, he jumped out of bed grasped Little Red Riding Hood while stretching his jaws open so wide that she could see Grandmother looking up at her in his belly.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely said. “You must ask my permission before moving to a new level of intimacy!”

The Wolf was so shocked by this statement and his role that he let his go of Red Riding Hood. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe. “Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower grades in school.”
“DO IT NOW! Red Riding Hood! Let go of that endangered species! This is a Police sting!” yelled the woodchopper in a non threatening, non confrontational way. When Little Red Riding Hood made a sudden motion he sliced off her head.

“No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier, now I’m going to need therapy. Do you have any all natural herbal cures for a headache? “
“No problem. “ said the Wolf.
“Thanks.”

“I feel your pain. “ said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said “Do you have any all natural herbal cures for a stomach ache?”