As soon as my cash is flowing a bit more ‘in’ and less ‘out’ I was planning on buying a desktop… Sadly today my laptop packed up completely. It randomly turns itself on and off and fails to boot. At the moment I have no contingency fund, no emergency fund and am writing this on a laptop I borrowed for a week.

This is understandably far from good. To say I am not amused is understating it a little.

Possibly NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

Enjoy.

So a report has been sent off to their ISP SoftLayer Technologies in Dallas, Texas, US identifying the bottom feeding pond scum and asking for appropriate action to be taken. I will add any progress to the bottom of this blog post. I’m not hopeful of any results given that the second Google Search Suggestion is SoftLayer Technologies Inc Spam which makes me think that a big group of people are searching for the term. We shall see.

Update: What a surprise…. it seems SoftLayer Technologies from Dallas, Texas, US has the same Allen Jenkins responding to abuse emails as Uubiquity Server Solutions! Regular and observant readers will recognise this as the company (and useless) person who responded to an earlier spam report complete with the same “we’ll refer it to the customer and never get back to you report“.

Flying 101 – Captions

• aircon ducts = not that kulula needs it… they’re already cool.
• avionics = fancy navigation stuff.
• a.p.u. = extra power when you need it most.
• back door = no bribery/corruption here.
• black box = which is actually orange.
• boot space
• cockpit window = sun roof; co-captain and big cheese.
• first class windows = throne zone (more leg room baby!)
• engine #1 and #2 = 26 000 pounds of thrust.
• front door = our door is always open … unless we’re at 41 000 feet.
• fuel tanks = the go-go juice.
• galley (front of plane) = cuppa anyone?.
• galley = food, food, food, food….
• landing gear = comes standard with supa-fly mags.
• loo = or mile-high club initiation chamber.
• nose cone = radar, antenna, and a really big dish inside.
• rudder = the steering thingy.
• seats = better than taxi seats.
• stabiliser = the other steering thingy.
• some windows = kulula fans = the coolest peeps in the world.
• tail = featuring an awesome logo.
• windows = best view in the world.
• wing #1 and #2
• plane’s registration = ZS-ZWP – OK-PIK. = secret agent code

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some apparently genuine examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot annouced, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses..”

From the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,

“Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”

Heard on a Kulula flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight..

Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” the silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger then yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

I watched an episode as I noticed Lisa Faulkner was in it, an actress I’ve quite liked since she played Victoria Merrick in Holby City (I have her appearance in FHM magazine somewhere as well… ). Lisa came across as very down to earth, sweet and vulnerable and like she didn’t quite understand how she’d managed to stay in the contest. I watched it first as well to be honest she’s very pleasant to watch! (*blush*) and I’m a bit of a foodie. After watching one episode I was kinda hooked and rooting for Lisa the whole way. She surprised herself by stayed in the contest and completely surprised herself by winning!!

Her genuineness showed as the three of them waited for the results, Lisa shrugged to herself as if to say “I did my best”. When she was given the trophy (“Wow! Do I get to take the trophy home?”) and the closing moments of the final when Greg asked her if she believed she was a good cook. She replied “Well maybe quite good“.

I should warn you that I absolutely love Caroline’s books and really enjoyed Like Bees To Honey. I’ve tried to avoid giving away to much of the plot as well.